I was having a conversation with my girlfriends the other day, and we all agreed it’s difficult to find a good man to date. Sure there are plenty of fish in the sea, but it seems like all the fish are missing a fin, or a tail, or an eye. Or they’re just not normal.

There are men who suffer from Peter Pan syndrome and live their life like a man — child. Then there are the ones who have so much baggage and unresolved issues, they may as well have a bright neon sign floating above their heads that says “STAY AWAY!”. And then there’s the type who has his professional act together, but tends to be an entitled, narcissistic, arrogant, selfish jerks, who believes the universe and everyone in it exist to give him what he wants when he wants it. These are my choices?!

Where are the quality men? The men who open doors, and have their act together professionally, who have direction in life, who know how to handle their emotions, who respect you, who aren’t just prowling for the next best thing, and who get stuff done. What’s a girl have to do to find one of those? WHERE can I find one of those?

I am not going to settle though. That’s for sure! I would rather be alone, than in a relationship with someone who does not meet my needs.

– Not Settling


Dear Not Settling,

You have my sympathy. When it comes to finding a quality man, I’m aware that the struggle is real. It’s not just you and your friends who have this problem. I hear this type of complaint at least a dozen times a week from amazing women who are successful, dedicated, creative, and enlightened.

Studies have shown that men are not stepping up, and they are falling behind women in education, in the workforce, in spirituality, and in many other major life areas.

Now I won’t spend any time bashing men because that will get us nowhere. I encourage you and your friends to not bash men either. Bashing others is a contagious form of complaining that degrades trust and compassion.

A call to rise!

Before I address your complaint further Not Settling, I would like to speak directly to my fellow men for a moment. Friends. Brothers. Men! Our female counterparts are carrying a great burden because of your absence. They mistrust men because too many of you are petulant, self–absorbed boys, who shirk responsibilities, and are unreliable.

If we are to successfully progress as a species, we must join our sisters in the great struggle for survival. We must unite with them, and stand shoulder to shoulder in the great cause of the human family. They need us, and we need them. We are all in this together, and we only get one life to do it.

Be done with lesser things. Lay down and put aside selfishness, laziness, fear, and pride. Arms yourselves with courage, respect, integrity, and trust. Wake up my friends! Step up my brothers! RISE UP AND BE MEN!

Uncompromising courage

To you Not Settling, and to all women who share your frustration, I say this: I honor and respect your determination to not compromise your values. It takes courage to hold your standards high and live with integrity. It is wise to avoid a relationship which is not right for you. Too many exchange what they truly desire for what is available in the moment.

Remember that a relationship is not about your needs and what you receive. Rather, it is about what you will give to the other. If you are not ready to give everything to another, then some personal growth is in order. It may also just be a matter of meeting the right man for you. A man whom you deem worthy of receiving your all.

Throughout history, women have led the way while men trailed behind. Joan of Arc, Marie Curie, Abigail Adams, Susan B. Anthony, and Rosa Parks. These women, and others like them, led the way. They courageously set a high standard for themselves and for all around them. They led with conviction, and never gave up when obstacles and setbacks occurred. They persevered because they trusted others would rise to their standard. Others did rise.

“The struggle” is the Universe’s way of testing your resolve before it introduces you to the man you seek. Yours is not a problem of supply. It’s a matter of time.

The Universe wants to make sure you are ready to go all in. Are you ready? As you hold to your high standards, and practice compassion and understanding, the Universe recognizes your integrity, and it will help you meet men who live as you do. These men may not be the right person for you, but they will help orient and redirect you toward that right person, and in time you will meet him. The Universe holds greater promises than your present struggle. Trust it and its timing!

In the meantime, rather than hyperventilate over the lack of quality men in your life, focus on living with integrity, offer compassion and understanding to those you meet, build others up, and lead the way. As you do so, you will create the life you want, which will be the background for the relationship you desire.

Dear Love Me Guru is written for the Love Me Run blog. The writer is Limhi Montoya.

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