Dear Love Me Guru,
Recently I went out with a guy I met at a birthday dinner for a mutual friend. His name is Daniel. When we first met at the dinner we clicked, and Daniel talked to me most of the time. I thought maybe he would ask for my number, but then he didn’t. Which left me a little confused, but I figured, “Oh well.” Two days later he sent me a friend request on Facebook, and then sent me a message. We chatted back and forth for a couple of days, and then he finally asked me out.
Or at least I thought he asked me out. His exact words were, “Hey, wanna hang out sometime?” I said sure, again thinking he was interested in me. We tentatively set up a day and time to meet, and Daniel said he would follow up to confirm. Well a whole week went by without me hearing from Daniel, and then the appointed day came, it was a Saturday. He texted me, “Hey, you still wanna hang out tonight?” I was like, “Whaaat?! Is he for real?” I hadn’t heard from him all week, and I assumed we weren’t gonna go out. So I made other plans.
When I told Daniel about my other plans, he got a little flustered and defensive, so I called him out on not following up. He got a little more defensive, but then admitted he dropped the ball. He apologized and said he would make it up to me by taking me out the following week. We set a day and time, and this time he did follow up. We went to dinner, and that was it.
The thing is, I’m not sure it was a date. He didn’t pick me up, we met up at the restaurant. It’s not a big deal since I wasn’t too sure how comfortable I felt about Daniel, so it was probably better he didn’t pick me up at my place. Once we were at the restaurant, he said he wasn’t really hungry, and ordered just an appetizer. I hadn’t eaten dinner because Daniel said we were going out to eat, so I was hungry. But when he ordered just an appetizer, I felt like I shouldn’t order a full meal. Wanting to spare Daniel a hangry me, I went ahead and ordered an entree. We ate. Well, I ate. He nibbled. The conversation felt forced. Daniel didn’t show the same interest he showed at our friend’s dinner party. It felt like he was there but not there. Do you know what I mean? When it came time to pay, he looked at the bill and said, “It looks like I owe $10 and you owe $23.” I was so confused! Was he saying he wanted to split the bill? On a date? By this point I was so annoyed with Daniel, that I just took out some cash, and payed for my own dinner.
As we were walking to our cars, Daniel said, “This was fun. Lets hang out again.” I couldn’t believe it! Was he really asking me out again? Did he really want to repeat this train wreck of a “date?” I fake smiled and let out a weak “Sure.”
When I got home, I dropped my purse on the counter, let out a huge sigh of relief, and yelled “WHAT THE HELL?!”
Why Love Me Guru? Why are men so confusing, and flakey, and wishy washy? You know what the worst part is? This isn’t the first time I’ve had a “date” like this one! I’ve been on that “date” multiple times! It’s so infuriating! Is there a school or training program that all men go through where they are taught this type of behavior?
What’s a girl to do?
— Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused,
Sounds like you’ve been experiencing the “Pinterest fails” of dating: guys who seem like a good date, but then when you actually have the date, it’s a total disaster.
I’ve heard many complaints from women about the state of dating in our society. Men seem to be stuck in the “swipe right” mentality, if one woman doesn’t pan out, oh well, there’s always the next one. *Swipe right*. So they don’t even put in any effort in the first place. *Swipe right*.
One of the biggest problems I see in dating these day, both in men and women, is that intentions are hardly ever stated. Meaning, regardless of who does the asking out, the intention behind the invitation is never made explicit. So many singles are left guessing: Is this a date or not? Is she into me or not? Where’s this going?
Intentionality is key to successful dating.
For example, say you meet a man who gets your creativity flowing, and you would love to collaborate with him. You may invite him to coffee so you guys can talk about how to collaborate. But if you don’t make it explicit that your interest in meeting with him is purely to explore collaboration between creatives, he may think you’re asking him out on a date.
Even when you want to go out with someone for no reason other than you enjoy that person’s company, you must be clear about your intention. If you strictly want to keep it platonic, then you must make it clear that any activities or outings together are purely as friends. If your intentions are more on the romantic side, then offer your intention carefully but clearly. Make it known that you would like to explore the possibility of a relationship.
Confusion, guessing, and second guessing follow when intentions are not clearly stated.
The way to avoid this prisoner’s dilemma of unexpressed intentions, is to follow the three P’s of dating: Paired off, Planned, and Purpose.
- Paired off. You are going to spend time with one person, and no one else, for a period. It may be an hour, it may be three hours, it may be three months or more. The amount of time you wish to invest in a person is a good indicator of intention. The more you wish to invest, the greater your intention.
- Planned. How much effort goes into the time invested is another indicator of intention. When you are romantically interested in a person, you are willing to go all out, and make the necessary effort to show your intention. When you care so little that you couldn’t care less, your effort will be minimal, if it’s there at all. The greater the effort, the greater the intention.
- Purpose. This last one is really at the heart of intention. What is your purpose in inviting or accepting an invitation? Sometimes you’re not really sure what your purpose is until you’ve actually spent some time with a person. That’s ok. Intentions reveal themselves over time. The important thing is that you are clear on your purpose. Genuine curiosity drives the clearest purpose. A clear purpose uncovers intentions.
These three P’s of dating are a solid way of making intentions clear to yourself and to others.
The Power of Intention
When you move throughout your life with clear intentions, you become a creator. You have the power to manifest the life you want to live. The relationships you wish to have, romantic or otherwise, become more meaningful, more intimate, more real.
Intentionality is the way you tell the Universe who you really are. It’s how you show others what you’re all about. It is your “I AM” in action. The more you manifest your intention, the more you are filled with love. And that’s what we’re all about here at Love Me Run. More love. More love for self. More love for others.
Our next event will be in beautiful Santa Monica, CA on Saturday, 12 November, 2016. Come be a part of a community of fitness minded professionals who like to connect with others, have fun, be healthy, and possibly find love.
Love Me Run — Matchmaking 5K, is the NEW alternative to the swipe left mentality. Live human interaction is way better!
If you have any questions about Love Me Run, please write to firstname.lastname@example.org.
THANK YOU FOR READING!
Dear Love Me Guru is written for the Love Me Run blog. The writer, Limhi Montoya, is the most authentic coach in the world.
If you’d like to submit a question or comment for the blog, or want to learn how to thrive now, write to email@example.com or visit www.theauthentic.coach.