Dear Love Me Guru,
Almost two years ago I broke up with a girl that I thought was “the one.” We dated for close to three years, and knew everything about each other. She was my best friend. She was there for me during difficult times. She was my everything.
I’ve tried to date other girls since the breakup, but every time it starts to get serious, I pull back and close off. I know I’ve strung girls along only to bail unexpectedly. I always end up comparing other girls to my ex girlfriend. I think I’m afraid of commitment, I have a hard time connecting with someone new, and I don’t trust easily.
The thing is, I want to connect with someone like I once connected with my ex. But after two years of trying, I haven’t been able to do it and I’m starting to lose hope. I see friends and family members fall in love and have amazing relationships, and I’m still here. Unable to move on. Stuck.
I’m tired of my situation! How can I get out of this rut?
A wise man once said: “Stupid is as stupid does.” In your case, this wise man would say “stuck is as stuck does.”
When you’re stuck, it’s because you’ve conditioned yourself to be stuck. Your heart, your body, your mind, and your words all work together to tell a story about “being stuck,” and then you go and act out that story. Literally YOU MAKE YOURSELF stuck.
Why would anyone make themselves stuck? Because we human beings like it when the world and our experiences are consistent and in harmony with our beliefs. That’s how things make sense to us. On the other hand, we dislike it very much when things are inconsistent and not in harmony with our beliefs. That’s when things don’t make any sense.
So, when you have an experience that doesn’t make sense, like being unable to move on from a breakup, your heart, body, mind, and words work together to tell a story that makes sense. And you've been acting out that story for the past two years!
What story have you been telling yourself for the past two years? From your email, I can piece together a rough outline:
- The girl you broke up with was “the one.”
- You knew everything about each other.
- She was supportive.
- She was your best friend.
- She was your everything.
- Other girls are not her.
- Because other girls are not her, you pull back and close off.
- Because you pull back and close off, you string girls along and and then bail
- Because you string girls along and then bail, you’re afraid to commit.
- Because you’re afraid to commit, you have a hard time connecting with someone new.
- Because you have a hard time connecting with someone new, you don’t trust easily.
Pretty straightforward, right? I know this story is consistent and in harmony with your beliefs because you’ve been living this story for two years. It’s what makes sense to you based on your beliefs. And since it makes sense, your heart, body, mind, and words all work together to make sure you act consistently with this story.
But remember, your personal stories are created to validate your beliefs. So what would happen if you changed your beliefs? Your story would change!
Change a belief, and the story changes with it
For the past two years your behavior was based on the belief that the girl you broke up with was “the one.” How might you change that belief now? The obvious change:
- She is not “the one.”
If she were, you would still be with her. Right? Since she isn’t the one, how does that change your story? Lets try it out and see:
- The girl you broke up with isn’t “the one.”
- “The One” will know you better than the girl you broke up with.
- “The One” will be more supportive.
- “The One” will be your best friend.
- “The One” will mean more to you than this other girl ever did.
- Other girls are not her, so these other girls may be “The One.”
- Because other girls may be “The One,” you want to get close and open up.
- Because you want to get close and open up, you’re clear in your intentions and stick around.
- Because you’re clear in your intentions and stick around, you can commit to the right person.
- Because can commit to the right person, you can connect with someone new.
- Because you can connect with someone new, you can trust easily.
Do you see how changing one belief can change your whole story? And because your heart, body, mind, and words want to be consistent and in harmony with your beliefs, when you change your story, your behavior changes.
Challenge beliefs that do not serve you. Change them for beliefs that empower you. When you do, your story will change, and your behavior will follow. That’s how you get unstuck!
START A NEW STORY!
Now that you know how to get unstuck, join us for our next event in beautiful Santa Monica, CA on Saturday, 12 November, 2016.
Come write a new chapter in your story! Love Me Run — Matchmaking 5K, is the NEW alternative to the swipe left mentality (live human interaction is way better!). Perfect for fitness minded professionals!
THANK YOU FOR READING!
Dear Love Me Guru is written for the Love Me Run blog. The writer, Limhi Montoya, is the most authentic coach in the world.
If you’d like to submit a question or comment for the blog, or want to create a transformation in your life, write to email@example.com or visit www.theauthentic.coach.