Dear Love Me Guru,
I’ve had the misfortune of wasting my time on a man who was not emotionally available. What I mean is, we had great physical attraction and chemistry (he was a great kisser), but when it came to connecting on a deeper level through conversation, he was a total dud.
We met online and went out a couple of times. It was fun. The problem has been in between dates. Every time we’ve chatted (through text mind you), he is very short, and doesn’t hold a conversation. I keep wanting to get to know him better, and ask him about his past, or his future, or even how his day is going, and I get very little in the form of a response. At first I thought maybe he was the strong silent type that said very little. Turns out he’s just the silent type, period. He doesn’t give me much to work with!
After a few attempts of trying to strike up a conversation with him, I was done. I felt that he wasn’t opening up, and because of that I began to shut down. He asked me out again, but I couldn’t accept going out with him again because I knew he was just going to stonewall and keep things at surface level. I don’t want that!
I want more. I want a deeper connection. I want a man who will be vulnerable with me, and share the deeper, more intimate parts of himself. Am I wrong in wanting that kind of connection? Am I wrong in expecting a guy to offer that after a couple of dates?
– Deep Love
Dear Deep Love,
Did you watch the U.S. Open Tennis tournament a couple of months ago? A strange thing happened to one of the top players on his way to the finals. During the quarterfinal and semifinal rounds, Novak Djokovic (one of the top players in the world), saw his opponents completely fall apart. One of his opponents even gave up after just two sets! It was disappointing for Djokovic, for the fans, and even the t.v. commentators remarked how bad it was for these players to just give up.
It’s hard to play tennis at the highest level when your opponent won’t bring their best to the match. Similarly, it’s hard to have a quality dating experience if the other person isn’t willing or is unable to meet you at your level. Remember that people can only go as deep as they’ve gone themselves.
Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? If you haven’t, I hope you will one day. It’s not just a big hole in the ground. The majesty of that natural wonder, the awesome beauty, the grandeur and scale; it is a life changing experience. It is like standing at the edge of eternity and staring into the vast expanse of the Infinite. It’s been said that there are no atheists at the Grand Canyon. Once you experience it for yourself, you’ll understand why.
Over four million visitors experience the Grand Canyon each year. The vast majority of those visitors only stay on the surface, and visit for a couple of hours. They come, walk along the edge, snap pictures, and then leave. They never go deeper. They don’t sit and listen for the Voice of the Canyon. They don’t hike to the bottom, or raft down the Colorado river, or see both the North and South side. And they most certainly don’t spend the night and watch the Milky Way glide over the Canyon.
I’m telling you all this because you said you want a deeper connection. One with vulnerability and intimacy. What you’re asking for is like asking to experience ALL that the Grand Canyon has to offer. The deep, the Voice of the Canyon, the hike to the bottom, the rafting, both sides, the night sky and the Milky Way.
I’m glad that is your desire. I know you can experience it with someone. Just keep in mind that most people you date will be like the majority of the visitors to the Grand Canyon. They’ll come, walk along the surface, take a selfie, and then be on their way.
That’s ok. Those aren’t your people anyway. Your people are the explorers. The ones who will go deeper. The ones who will stay for more than a couple of hours. The one’s who will sit and listen, and stare into the Infinite. These intrepid souls will connect with you in profound and meaningful ways. You will never be the same after experiencing them.
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THANK YOU FOR READING!
Dear Love Me Guru is written for the Love Me Run blog. The writer, Limhi Montoya, is the most authentic coach on Earth.
If you’d like to submit a question or comment for the blog, or want to learn how to thrive now, write to email@example.com or visit www.theauthentic.coach.