Dear Love Me Guru,

I keep sabotaging my dating, and I don’t know how to stop! Every time I sense that a guy may be interested in me, even just a little bit, my mind goes into overdrive and I overanalyze everything, and I come up with all the reasons why it wouldn’t work, and then I get all awkward and distant and aloof, and it doesn’t take long before I put the guy in the friend zone, and then any chance at a relationship is shot.

This keeps happening to me over and over again! It’s been happening for almost two years now, and I haven’t been in a relationship during that time. I want a relationship. I want to be able to connect with someone. I want to feel loved again.

How do stop sabotaging my dating life?

– Queen of Sabotage

Dear Queen of Sabotage,

First let me say that your chosen pen name sounds like an awesome hard rock band. Imagine: “And the Grammy for album of the year goes to…QUEEN OF SABOTAGE!”

That is a band that would get you pumped for the gym, or maybe even a Matchmaking 5K like the Love Me Run.

Anyway, I can tell you that the number one thing that sabotages anybody’s dating is their mind. If you really want a relationship and to be loved again, you must be vulnerable, and trust the other person, and lead with your heart. Your mind doesn’t want those things.

Your mind wants to protect you from vulnerability, and broken trust, and it wants to lead. So when the possibility of a relationship shows up, your mind goes into overdrive, overanalyzes everything, and comes up with all the reasons why it wouldn’t work. It literally hijacks you.

So how do you stop your mind from hijacking you? Learn to distinguish between Truth, Error, and Lies.

Here’s the difference between those three:

  • Truth is things as they REALLY are. When you recognize your experiences and people for what they really are, your body recognizes it and resonates with it, your heart AND your mind accept it, trust it, and work together to build on it. The Sun always rising in the East and setting in the West, that’s truth because it REALLY is that way.
  • Error is a mistaken conclusion based on a wrong perception of reality. With error, things appear to be one way, when in reality they are not. For example, I once saw my youngest sister smoking in the back yard, and then stamping the grass. When I saw her stamp the grass, I felt alarm because my conclusion of the situation was that the grass was on fire. I ran out to help her put out the fire, and my sister was confused. She laughed when I told her I believed the grass was on fire, and she explained to me that she was stamping the grass because ants had crawled all over her shoes. I had a mistaken conclusion based on a wrong perception.
  • Lies are intentional false statements. They come in many forms, and are about many things. Some of the most common lies we believe are the lies we tell about ourselves: “I am not good enough.” “I am stupid.” “I am such a hot mess.” Lies will always keep us from seeing things as they really are.

Without practice, your mind will accept Lies and Errors more quickly than it will accept Truth. Train yourself to distinguish between these three, to always choose Truth, and you will stop your mind from hijacking you.

Now look back at your most recent dating experience. Can you spot the Truth, Error, and Lies? Which did you accept and which did you reject? What pain did you feel because you believed a Lie? What opportunities did you miss because of Error? How would things have been different if you had followed Truth instead of Error or Lies?

Sometimes we fall for Error or Lies despite our best efforts. That’s ok. Nobody is perfect. The mistake of following Error or Lies helps us learn to look for and follow Truth. The ability to recognize and follow Truth develops like a sunrise: it’s dark at first, but little by little, the light begins to appear until it fills the day.

Remember these three Truths:

  1. You are good enough.
  2. You are worthy of love.
  3. You always have a choice.


Our next event will be in beautiful Santa Monica, CA on Saturday, 12 November, 2016. Come be a part of a community of fitness minded professionals who like to connect with others, have fun, be healthy, and possibly find love.

Love Me Run — Matchmaking 5K, is the NEW alternative to the swipe left mentality. Live human interaction is way better!

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Dear Love Me Guru is written for the Love Me Run blog. The writer, Limhi Montoya, is the most authentic coach in the world.

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