Dear Love Me Guru,
I’m tired of looking for my one true love. It seems like the more I look, the more lost I get. I’ve tried everything: dating apps, the bars/clubs, singles groups, blind dates. If it involved single people, I signed up. I always make great connections with men, and end up dating someone I am interested in. But it never works out in the long run.
The guys I date always look good on paper, but after a short period, it doesn’t pan out. They turn out to be douchebags, or they feel intimated by me, or they have some unresolved issue that keeps them from establishing a deep connection and relationship. I’m fed up!
I’m looking for my person. The one who will be my best friend and partner in crime. The one who will be an equal partner with me. The one who can hold his own in the presence of a strong, successful, independent woman, and not be intimidated by her. I want passion, and intimacy, and laughter, and growth. I want service, and selflessness, and confidence.
Am I asking for too much? When I think about what I want in a partner, and the kind of relationship I want, it feels like I may be looking for a unicorn. What if I am looking for a unicorn? Is that bad? I don’t think it is. I want a tall, dark, and handsome unicorn. I’ve had enough dating experience to know that I would rather be alone, than settle for someone who is not right for me.
Where can I find my unicorn?
– GirlBoss Unicorn
Dear GirlBoss Unicorn ,
When it comes to dating, everyone is a unicorn! We are all unicorns on this spinning dirt ball we call Earth. The trick is to find your particular tribe of unicorns. Find your tribe of unicorns, and you’ll find the unicorn you want.
Two things stood out from what you wrote:
I always make great connections with men, and end up dating someone I am interested in. But it never works out in the long run.
The guys I date always look good on paper, but after a short period, it doesn’t pan out.
Why did these those two things stand out? Because they tell me you don’t have a problem “finding” men to date. In fact, you “end up dating someone [you’re] interested in.” So, If you don’t have a “finding” problem, then why haven’t you meet your unicorn? Because you’re doing it all bass ackwards.
There’s a natural progression to dating, and it goes like this:
SELECT means you are so crystal clear about the particular type of unicorn you want, the relationship you want to create with him, and what you will not tolerate in the relationship. That clarity and focus allows you to consciously choose your tribe of unicorns, and the particular unicorn you want.
CONNECT means you recognize another as a unicorn, you see the common traits the two of you share, you both feel a spark of energy and excitement that fills your heart/spirit/mind/body, you create a space where the two of you can play, and you want to keep exploring and expanding that space together.
When you follow these two steps in their respective order, you are able to create a satisfying relationship. When you get it backwards, you end up in a relationship that doesn’t last very long.
I said the reason you haven’t met your unicorn yet is because you’re doing it backwards. You CONNECT first (“I always make great connections with men”), and then you SELECT (“The guys I date always look good on paper”).
Imagine a unicorn meeting a narwhal (the unicorn of the sea). They connect over the fact that they both have a horn. They’re excited about the connection. They spend more and more time together, and soon they’re dating. The unicorn wants to explore the world, the narwhal wants to swim in the seven seas. And this is where the problems start. They unicorn realizes the narwhal can’t survive out of the water, and the narwhal learns that the unicorn can’t swim. Now the selection starts, and they both realize they’re not the best fit for each other. So they break up. Both the unicorn and the narwhal feel disappointed and upset. They dated someone who looked good on paper, but was so wrong for them.
How do you think the unicorn and the narwhal would feel if they repeated this pattern over and over again?
This is common in dating. Human beings are built for connection. It’s one of the ways we survive and thrive. The desire to connect is powerful. We often connect with those nearest to us, even if they are not the best fit for us. This causes problems in dating. Especially if you are connecting without consciously selecting.
Now imagine the unicorn and the narwhal again. This time, the unicorn is crystal clear about what she wants and what she doesn’t want, and she is consciously selecting first before connecting. When the unicorn meets another narwhal, she will not select him as a potential partner because she will see that on paper, he’s not what she wants. Instead, she will keep galloping with her tribe of unicorns, and she will select a unicorn that meets her criteria when she meets him. He may be part of her tribe, or part of a neighboring tribe. But he will be a unicorn like her. Not a narwhal.
Once the unicorn selects, she can then work on the connecting. By selecting and then connecting, the unicorn empowers herself to create the relationship she wants. She is free to play all out because she knows she’s selected another unicorn like herself. They are equals. Their connection will be deep because of what they share, and it will be strong because of the energy that will flow between them. They will fearlessly explore and expand the connection, and their differences will fuel their passion.
You want to meet your unicorn? Select, then connect.
Want to meet a tribe of unicorns? Register to participate in the Love Me Run — Matchmaking 5K in Coronado California. The event will take place on July 16th, 2016.
THANK YOU FOR READING!
Dear Love Me Guru is written for the Love Me Run blog. The writer, Limhi Montoya, is the most authentic coach in the world.
If you’d like to submit a question or comment for the blog, or want to create a transformation in your life, you can write to firstname.lastname@example.org or visit www.theauthentic.coach.