Dear Love Me Guru,
I met this guy on Tinder about two months ago. We chatted for a bit, and it was fun and flirty, and we had a good connection. He asked me out and I accepted. We met for coffee and ended up talking for four hours! It was obvious there was a spark.
After our first date we texted back and forth nonstop, and he asked me out again. We started seeing each other more often, our connection deepened, and things were going well. Then. . . POOF! He ghosted!
I don’t get it.
I feel like maybe there’s something wrong with me, and I feel this emptiness because there was no closure, no explanation, nothing. I’m angry, and hurt, and frustrated. Why do people pull this crap?
– Not a Ghostbuster
Dear Not a Ghostbuster,
You’re not alone in the way you feel. Here’s what others have said when someone ghosted on them:
“I felt like an idiot. Like I had been played a fool. And more so I felt disrespected. Take the romantics away, to have a great connection with a new friend and then all of a sudden never hear from them again? That’s painful and really disappointing. No one deserves to be blown off.”
“It still felt a bit like someone had punched me in the gut when it happened. The disregard is insulting. The lack of closure is maddening. You move on, but not before your self-esteem takes a hit. The only thing worse than being broken up with is realizing that someone didn’t even consider you worth breaking up with.”
“Going from texting every day and seeing each other a couple times a week to nothing without the slightest hint of why was a kick in the gut.”
In the time you were with this person, you opened up your heart and life to him, and probably felt that he was doing the same. You most likely started to make some future plans with him, plans he supported, and you expected to realize those plans. Maybe you even began to love him.
Then he just disappeared without so much as a goodbye. No explanation. It’s no surprise you feel angry, hurt, betrayed, and frustrated. This type of behavior rubs your heart and brain the wrong way because both of them like resolution, and you get no resolution when someone ghosts. Even worse, ghosting is a form of rejection that activates the same neural pathways as physical pain. That’s why it hurts so much.
Ghosting has been called “the ultimate silent treatment” because:
It leaves you full of uncertainty. If you don’t deal well with uncertainty, it can be absolute torture. Not knowing why can haunt a person for a very long time.
It cuts off any connection you had. As human beings we need connection, and when any connection is severed, it pains us. Being separated is disorienting and creates an emptines inside.
It causes you to question yourself. Rejection is a form of feedback that pulls the rug from underneath your confidence, and unless you’re prepared to receive it, you’re left second guessing yourself and wondering what’s wrong with you.
It’s not you . . .
When it comes to ghosting, you must realize it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the person who ghosted. That person is showing you a lack of courage, honesty, and integrity. People who ghost are unwilling to deal with emotions, conflict, or commitment. They take, use, and abandon.
Ghosting is a deliberate and intentional act done out of immaturity, or cruelty, or cowardice. Or all three. A person who ghosts shows that their standards of human connection are so low, they are willing to cut off any connection they feel is too uncomfortable, inconvenient, or bothersome.
Minimize the sting of ghosting by realizing it does not reflect in any way on your significance, worth, or lovableness.
“Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.” — George Bernard Shaw
I once found a fossil while hiking in the Rocky Mountains. I was 14 at the time, and didn’t appreciate what I had found. Thinking it was just some cool rock, I discarded it because I didn’t appreciate it’s worth.
People who ghost are like 14 year old me. They come across amazing people like yourself, and are quick to discard them because they don’t appreciate the worth of people like you.
If I could go back in time, I would punch 14 year old me in the throat for not keeping the fossil. And if I could, I would punch every person who ghosts. Unfortunately, I can’t go back in time, and I can’t go around punching people in the throat — that’s battery and it would land me in jail.
The next time someone ghosts on you, remember that’s their deal, and it’s not on you. Be grateful they’ve exited your life and created a space which can be filled by someone who will commit to you either as a friend or a lover, or both. And if you’re ever tempted to ghost on someone, “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
If you have a question for the Love Me Run Guru, email him at firstname.lastname@example.org ~ Article written by Limhi Montoya, Authentic Coach. Personal, Business, Relationship Coaching tailored to you. Heal your Hearth. Walk your Path. Live your Truth.